Recently, scholars have unearthed a long-forgotten text advising copywriters on how to live harmoniously with their clients through the practice of certain sexual positions.
Here, we reprint the first 10 positions.
1 When the client comes to the copywriter and asks her to cut the benefits copy this position shall be known as Perplexing the scribe.
2 The copywriter shall stay at his keyboard until he has coaxed 15 different headlines from its keys. This position shall be known as The furrowed brow.
3 The client shall take the copywriter’s 11th draft and whisper softly, “I’m still not sure about the tone of voice. Maybe you could make it a little, you know, more punchy?” The copywriter shall smile sweetly while curling her hand holding the phone into a tight fist until the plastic receiver creaks ominously. This position shall be known as The mantis wishing to devour her husband.
4 If the copywriter has run out of inspiration, he shall take the dog for a walk, go on Twitter or eat another Chocolate Hob Nob. This position shall be known as The procrastinator.
5 The copywriter shall type the start of an email seven times, backspacing each time to the words Dear Mr Sample. This position shall be known as The shy doe cannot decide which way to open.
6 If a client shall come to the copywriter and ask her to remove one of her favourite lines from her copy, this position shall be known as The deflated ego.
7 The copywriter nibbles on the end of his pen, not realising that blue ink has leaked out from the top and has given him blue lips. This position shall be known as Embarrassment in the Starbucks queue.
8 The client will take delivery of a potent first draft from the copywriter and, through a series of increasingly specific demands, reduce it to a limp and unimpressive document. This position shall be known as The bull brought to his knees.
9 The copywriter shall approach the client face-to-face, look him in the eye and utter her price without blinking. This position shall be known as The nervous kitten hides behind the lioness.
10 The client shall place his trust entirely in the copywriter, receiving her copy without making any amends and sending it out unaltered. This position shall be known as The teeth of the hen and is rarely if ever practised.